What do you believe?

Let’s get this started!! Found this journal prompt list from a friend, prompt list found here:¬†31 Days of Spiritual Journaling

The easy answer, I am a Pop Culture Pagan, my Patron is Anakin Skywalker. We are also head mates (so yes, fictionkin, but it’s more than that) I practice witchcraft, which a lot of my witchcraft is without spiritual connection, but some of it is.

I raised Christian from age nine, few years later was like “uhhh fuck this” Did the “classic” goth/darkly inclined “Let’s look into Wicca!” thing. Found something I could believe in. But I still didn’t really belong. I had a hard time finding my God and Goddess. Couldn’t find my niche. Too much of it still felt too organized for my liking and I just stuck with the witchcraft side of things without guidance.

Anakin was always part of my life, imaginary friend, someone I would role play and cosplay, obsession. I had an alter to him in many places, blogs dedicated to him. Most of my art is of Him. I fell into the Pop Culture Pagan because if anyone was my god, it was him.

It has developed beyond that, he isn’t my god but my patron. My guide. And I am not just a witch, I am a Nightsister (who are called witches, so close enough)

My gods are Ashla and Bogan. They are the Light and the Dark sides of the Force. Really my religion is The Force. But not a Jedi and not a Sith, but much like Anakin (and Vader) I have identified within both. (once again, Nightsister is the best title)

But not everything is Star Wars.

There are many from our fiction, from other time lines and galaxies and among the multiverse… who appear to me.

Poison Ivy/Pamela Isley is my Mother Earth

Sailor Pluto/Setsuna Meioh is my Mother Time, unlike most people’s father Time, she understands the workings of the multiverse and how Time is meaningless unless we make it so. Understands that in the Faerie Lands, Time has it’s own rules. Even she doesn’t go there.

And then back to Star Wars… Qui-Gon Jinn, Padme Amidala… they are both Fey.
Faeries are real.
I have fey blood. (I think I’ve mentioned that many times on this blog… but in case I haven’t…) but I have fey blood. And I am completely serious about that. Others have jokingly said that about me, and strangers I’ve only exchanged a hello with have said that about me. They see it. They know it. They have the Sight.

Wonderland is just a part of the Faerie Lands. Anakin and I spirit walk there most of the time.

I believe in past lives. I believe that past lives are not always in the past but also come from the future. Time isn’t linear, so why would rebirth be as well? Past lives aren’t always on the same planet or universe or galaxy. Past lives don’t care about gender or species.

Oh I think that’s about it of what I believe when it comes to my spirituality.

May The Force Be With You
~Icarus~

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Fear becomes love becomes admiration

Am I actually going to use this to discuss my faith?

Looks like that’s so!

I said, probably a year ago now, that I was going to try to read some tarot and share it here at least once a week. Let’s make this once a month, see if I can do that.

But this isn’t about reading tarot.

This is about Vader.

As a catch up, Anakin Skywalker (who is also Vader, for those who don’t know) is my Patron. My “god” if you will. He is my Guide. My Guardian. He is also, myself. And I Him.
Reincarnation and all of that stuff, Star stuff. Starseed. Oh I could write a whole other thing all about that… but again.

This isn’t about reincarnation and Star Stuff.

This is about Fear.
This is about Vader.

The darkness within myself and He.

Cannot have light without dark to compare it to.

And I cannot be without darkness.

Two years ago I had a conversation with my therapist about how I was afraid of becoming evil. That I was afraid that I was going to follow Anakin far too closely. I feared turning 23, to be honest. And even after passing that age it still felt that it was coming. That was the age that Anakin fell, and what if I was to repeat?

She told me that there will always be good in me. And this woman, such a wonderful woman that I wish I could still be seeing but can’t because of insurance. She knew of my faith. Supported it. Believed me. Validated me. Such a gift.

And I drew this…

TheresStillLightInMe

Anakin and I cried that night.
He asked me “Do you not feel that I am Good?”
“You are good.”
“But am I light?”

Evil and Good is not Darkness and Light. The Dark Side and the Light Side are not the only two sides to be. We can be anything in between. It’s a sliding scale. Sometimes We need to use the dark to get through a day, to fight off people who are hurting Us. And sometimes We light to heal Us. And that darkness can power the light. Dim it down and it’s comfort. Twilight is protection. Blinding can be anger. Pitch black can be clam.
Evil is not darkness and darkness is not evil.

But Vader, he was evil.

And I can talk all day about how his fall in Canon is deeper than you think and though he’s not innocent but he was used and forgiven and I can talk anyone in circle around that, and it helps having Him in my head because I can pull from what He knows. (and my obsession with Star Wars helps a lot)

But no. Again.

This is about Vader.

This is about Vader and I and why even now I still focus mostly on Anakin. How Vader I respect until he Demands my attention. (And when He demands. He means it. And it has always been for my own good.)

Watching Star Wars is one of my earliest memories. I would watch them religiously. (and look where that got me, haha ūüėČ ) Know every line, every scene, know every character and name my stuffed animals after them so the movies could continue after. I knew them so well that I knew the exact time that I needed to hide under my blanket and hold my teddy bear because Vader was about to walk on screen because seeing him was terrifying.

My dad, he was the one who sat me down to watch Star Wars as soon as I would pay attention. We watched them together a lot. And then when my brother was born, all three of us would watch together.

My dad, being a collector of all things sci-fi, had some fantastic Star Wars masks and helmets. He had Threepio’s, Chewbacca’s, a Stormtrooper, and… Vader. My brother and I remember it so much differently than my dad does, but he says that he and my uncle were wearing the helmets (Threepio and Vader) to surprise Ryan (my brother) and I. Ryan and I took it as they were chasing us. I remember hiding under the table in the kitchen, hiding from Vader and Threepio. (I did have a small fear of old Goldenrod longer than I had a fear for Vader but, that’s not important. I do love Anakin’s first son now)
From then on until 1999 I would refuse to watch Vader on screen.

Which is just such a funny thought since where I am sitting I have three Vader’s staring at me. Wait no… I am actually going to count here… a little over 8? Not counting my action figures who are too far away from me to properly count. Oh and one of these Vaders is Mr. Potato Head and another one, sitting right over my computer, is all cute and round and plush and when I saw him in the store I made inaudible sounds and Aunna understood that as “please can I get him?” And Anakin laughed and rolled his eyes. (he rolls his eyes at me a lot.)

So, obviously, my fear of Vader is completely gone. At least from sight. And I even have two of my own Vader helmets, now. (yet there is a fear, but it’s not the mask)

But in 1999, my fear of the look of Vader was gone. Anakin, little Anakin. Podracer Anakin. “I’m a PERSON and my NAME IS ANAKIN” Anakin… Anakin who was nine years old, just like me. An instant Kinship. (oh and there’s another thing I can blog about here…but not now.)

I loved Anakin. All part of Him. Vader included. I have this amazing tank top that say “Vader Was Framed.” on it. I wrote a paper in Freshmen Year about how Vader Was Innocent. And this was really part of me looking for Him in everything. I was a practicing witch but as a pagan I didn’t have any Gods or Goddesses that I connected to. I bounced all around. Anakin/Vader was all I wanted.

For a short while Anakin was my God and Jesus (The Space Jesus connection is not lost on me) and Vader was my Satan. But that made me depressed. Made Anakin depressed. Which made me more depressed and I didn’t understand why. (Now I do. I’m sorry Anakin.)
And over the years Anakin and I became stronger together. But I avoided Vader. I would not talk to Him. As a character, I loved him. But I didn’t want him in any part of myself or as my Patron.

When I drew that above picture, that’s when it hit me and hit me hard. Hurting and ignoring Vader was hurting me. I needed Him. He could help me. Vader is no longer evil. Yes, he is dark. But there is NOTHING wrong with the dark.

This is when I turned to the Nightsister belief of Bogan and Ashla. And my faith started having a hierarchy. Bogan and Ashla, my God and Goddess. Equal in importance. Cannot have one without the other. And Anakin and Vader were chosen by them. Because He was both and all. And He saw that in me. And He leads me in that. Everything in life needs true balance.

I admire Vader’s strength. He is an unstoppable force. And I am opening myself up to Him more each and every day. Which makes Anakin happy. He hates being so divided.

I RETURN FROM THE DEAD

Okay, I know, dramatic, but I return from forgetting that this was a thing. I return because I’ve been using my laptop more and have better access to this because I couldn’t fit the app on my phone any more. I return because I need to write again. Something to do instead of laying there doing nothing. Writing to clear my head. Keep my hands busy if I cannot draw. (I’ve been trying. Every day. I haven’t drawn since February. That’s a long fucking time)

I need to write out the things that happen. Need to write out the things that I feel.
Need to write after every therapy appointment instead of wallowing in the funk that lays in the air after every time.

But am I here to do that now?

No. ¬†I am here just to say, hello my like what, three followers? I’m back baby. Hopefully I’m back for good. Hopefully I’ll do a damn tarot reading again since it’s been, once again, since February since I’ve touched my cards. Get back to my roots. Give some sort of constant in my life that’s just for me. Not something I HAVE TO DO. Something I want to do.

So yeah, I guess I am back from the dead. Putting life back in this…well..life.

Cutting Diary ?/?/?

So I’ve cut a few days here and there but I haven’t been documenting as I should. I know, bad me. I was trying to make this like legit so I know what I’m doing. So I can be like… Idk… can count how many days I’ve been clean?

The sad part is that I know one cut is from being too drunk and high and fucked up and I didn’t believe I was alive so I had to prove I was.

And the rest… I don’t know? Sleep cutting?

Don’t tell me that I need to toss my blades, I’m not at that point in my recovery yet.

Tarot Card Reading from 2-8-17: Phoning The Spirit Guide

The Set Up
We don’t have much room as in floor space so we use this giant coloring board for most of our spell work on our bed. In this reading, Phoning the Spirit Guide, I used my Wild Unknown deck. Had my Anakin action figure since he’s my Spirit Guide. Brought in Ahsoka because who else better keeps Anakin in check than Ahsoka. I lit a blue candle and laid out my cross and my Jedi symbol necklace.

Things to Notice
Cards 1-6 are Trump cards
Cards 7-8 are Swords
Cards 9-10 are pentacles
3 of my cards are felines


My Reading

1. Representing the Spirit Guide:¬†Justice: Anakin Skywalker you sonofabitch, you had to make yourself very clear to me. This is also one of the Cat cards that I drew for my reading. Decisions and Karma. I need to make a decision and must remember the karmic influence with my decision. When I did this reading, trying to reconnect to Anakin, I was feeling suicidal. I had been self-harming a lot and I wanted to hospitalize myself. Anakin was telling me to make the decision myself, I cannot wait for someone else to do it. Going is the only way I will bring Justice to those who had harmed me. Getting better is the best way to do it. Especially on those who check up on me and stalk me. If I’m doing well it will hurt them.

2. How are you (the Spirit Guide) helping me right now:¬†The Magician, another one of the cat cards. Action. Self empowerment, purpose. Anakin is trying to give me a sense of purpose. Telling me I have purpose. I shouldn’t end my life at all. Get help. Do it now.
In my notes of this reading I wrote “he’s agreeing with me, he thinks I should die as well.” but I was wrong. That is not how he was helping me at all.

3. How Can I Help Myself as you Helped Me:¬†The Fool. Innocence, naivety.¬†¬†This made it clear to myself that I wasn’t listening to Anakin at all. He knew it. I think this card was about allowing myself to listen to others. Let them help me. I don’t have to make ever decision. It’s okay to ask for help.

4. How Can I Honor You: The Star: Hope, peace of mind. When I originally took the reading I read it as him agreeing that I should die because in death I would have peace of mind, but I was reading the wrong part. Staying alive Hope would come my way. I need to have Hope. I can have Hope.

5. What weakness do I need to approve on:¬†The Hanged Man: Sacrifice, letting go. New perspectives. I took this as to share my story, see it from other sides that I cannot see. Which, at face value I hate this. See it from Damien’s side? Anakin are you fucking kidding me? ¬†Why would I want to do that? But the more I think about it it’s more about hearing what my friends who don’t disrespect my trauma what they see me doing. How they see me achieving despite it. How they see my falling. And how I can fix it.

6. What are my Spiritual Gifts:¬†Mystery. (another cat) Non-action, growth within. My original notes read: “My gift is mystery?Non-action? Don’t commit suicide. So continue to suffer?” But now I know, I hope, is that I am learning more about my gifts. At least I hope so to.

7. What is our Partnership Like in the Spirit World:¬†Ten of Swords: Rock Bottom. ¬†We have been struggling a lot getting through to each other, I know that. I know I’ve been stubborn, but damn it Anakin, you’re the one who keeps running away from me.

8. What do I need to Be Aware of:¬†5 of Swords. SELF DESTRUCTION. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s literally the only notes I wrote as I did my reading. And I still can’t find a way around them to make them better. I guess I need to be aware of my self destructing tendencies but how much more can I be aware of them? I’m so aware that I document them. I guess this is telling me to continue to do that.

9. Advice About Spiritual Path:¬†9 of Pentacles. Health, Happy home. This sounds like “Have you tried Yoga” for witchcraft. But all I can see is that I’m trying to make my home happy and healthy. I really am.

10. Words for me: 3 of Pentacles. Teamwork, determination. Anakin, if you want to work with me then work with me. I am open and waiting. I mean, you did come back after I went back to the hospital and got my medications fixed.

But back on my past few entries, my emotions are in disarray once again. I self harm, I abused pills, but there are outside forces at work for those. I still don’t know. Anyone else want to decipher my reading?

Self Distruct in 1…2…3… Cutting diary 2/16/17

Cut monster into my thigh again. It’ll never heal. It’s bleeding and staining my sunflower pants. 

I took 8 Ativan. 

I hope to forget today…and tomorrow. 

I’ll sleep real well at least.

Fucking ______ texted Aunna saying she knew I blocked her. Means she was checking my social media. Checking up on me. That’s stalkery as fuck. It triggered me. It’s what they used to (and probably still) do. 

What did I ever do to her for her to treat me this way? Aunna blocked her too. She’ll blame me. It was Aunna’s idea. Aunna asked me to. So I did. But no I’m the manipulative monster in this relationship.

She doesn’t know me.

She doesn’t know that I’m dead. I’ve been dead. Many times. Just waiting for my body to catch up. 

I was feeling so good and now…I am not. I climed that fucking moutain and jumped the fuck off. Two beers with that ativan and my normal meds won’t fuck me up too bad will it? 

I’m sorry Aunna.

I guess I snapped.

I’m a bad mom.