And for the first time my right arm becomes useful…as I sin with it. I want to cut it off. But instead I thank God for all the wrong I do. 

God Help Me. 

Tw. Blood and cutting bellow. 

I like to think Jesus rather I cut than smoke. I mean, according to the Bible I’m already devaluing my body with tattoos and piercings.

I cut to have control. 

I think God knows it’s either this or I kill myself. 

But God, wouldn’t it be better if I was with you and not suffering on Earth? People say suffering is optional but I would choose not to suffer which means I would choose not to be here anylonger. I choose death. Oh God, do I even believe in you? I feel like a fraud when I wear a cross. The childhood of brain washing and the teenagehood of pushing away from The Church. The Adulthood of choosing Jesus again. Without the Bible that calls me a heathen. Without the other Christians. Without the Rules. Evwn without you God. But God, if you even do listen to me, please let me die. I reject that killing myself is a sin. I reject that self harm is a sin. I reject your rules because I know better. I was so close almost that one time but I got scared. 

I am ready now. Please accept me. Please. God Help Me. I’m begging. 

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4 thoughts on “And for the first time my right arm becomes useful…as I sin with it. I want to cut it off. But instead I thank God for all the wrong I do. 

  1. I can’t help but say I’m frightened for you. The church’s idea of God is a joke, and Jesus would never have put up with their shit. Jesus wanted all of us to perform miracles (“Greater works than these shall ye do”) rather than subjugate ourselves to the authority of an institution cobbled together by power-mad men. God is Principle, not Person. Jesus was trying to get us to work with that principle, not to beg a non-existent crappy great-grandfather.

    As always, if you want to talk, just let me know. ♥

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    • My relationship with God is so fucked up. Like Jesus and I are cool. He’s cool that I do magic. (i mean…performing miracles, right????) but when it comes to my mind…my life. Where’s the fucking lesson in it? Fuck free will and all. Except I Love my free will to be destructive to myself.

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  2. Oh no you could never devalue yourself. You are worth far more than anything on earth! Nothing you do and nothing anyone does can ever take that away. You are the most valuable thing on earth! I could gather up all the wealth and riches of this world and put them at your feet…and it could never compare to the value of your life! You can do whatever to your body and do whatever actions you think make you worth less and God would still say you are his!

    Oh yes absolutely being with him will be so much better, I long for it too and wish he would take me home. But our time here is but a breath compared to eternity so even if you suffer from the time you are born to the time you die…your pain here is temporary and nothing compared to eternity. So hang on this short time, it won’t be long. You must have some reason to be here still, you still have some task you are left here to do. God can do beautiful amazing things that help others with our personal struggles.

    Just look at what I’m getting to do because of my years of depression and struggles with addiction…I’m getting to message you :). I’m glad you’re still here so our paths could cross today :).

    Liked by 1 person

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