Good news! I know, I’m so bleak all of the time but I have good news. My Effexor which I am sure is the villain behind my bout of depression this time, is being stepped down on request of the other psych in my psych’s office. So Hopefully my psych agrees that I should stop the medication since there’s already an opinion that yeah, let’s stop the medication that makes me more depressed. I still have to take the damn medication but at half dose. Excellent.
But now back to the bleak and possibly just confusion.
I’m dreaming about Damien again. Still. They haven’t stopped. In my dreams he’s this caricature of the Perfect Boyfriend. He’s in my life as I’m still married to Aunna. He’s at my house all the time and I’m constantly hiding this smiling innocent looking demon. But he’s not scary at all. No one else, even my wife, sees what he truly is. They see the Perfect Boyfriend. Just more and more of people calling me a liar. How could he rape me? He wouldn’t rape anyone. But he did, why can’t I make that clear to my head. He did. He fucking raped me.
The worst part of these dreams is that they feel so real, in the dreams it’s my home. I go to check the pita bread because I’m hungry and it’s moldy. I throw it away. Oh I need to clean the kitchen so I do that. These new dreams don’t jump from point to point, they move on like life. In my dream I cut my arm up to read “I am not real” but the blood was an off color, not even red. A color I have never seen in my life that I cannot describe. In my dream my parents raised rent to $900 so I had that to deal with, but Damien was there. Constantly there, being Perfect Boyfriend.
And now Teddy Bear by Melanie Martinez is playing. Such a fitting song for my relationship with Damien.
“Teddy bear, you were my teddy bear
You were comforting and quiet
How did love become so violent?
Oh, teddy bear, you were my teddy bear
Everything was so sweet until you tried to kill me”
He didn’t try to kill me but I used to have nightmares of him raping me to death. During the relationship, after, and now even almost ten years later.
He still lives in the same house that’s only walking distance from where I live. I NEED TO MOVE. But I am unable to.
I know we are moving once Aunna gets her associates of applied science/Vet Tech certification. We’re moving more than an hour away so she can continue her schooling.
Away from family, away from friends. It’s scary. But AWAY FROM HIM.
Is that the only time I will finally be free from these nightmares?