I cut to have control. I cut to calm the manic mind.I cut so I can fall asleep.
The Set Up We don't have much room as in floor space so we use this giant coloring board for most of our spell work on our bed. In this reading, Phoning the Spirit Guide, I used my Wild Unknown deck. Had my Anakin action figure since he's my Spirit Guide. Brought in Ahsoka because … Continue reading Tarot Card Reading from 2-8-17: Phoning The Spirit Guide
Cut monster into my thigh again. It'll never heal. It's bleeding and staining my sunflower pants. I took 8 Ativan. I hope to forget today...and tomorrow. I'll sleep real well at least. Fucking ______ texted Aunna saying she knew I blocked her. Means she was checking my social media. Checking up on me. That's stalkery … Continue reading Self Distruct in 1…2…3… Cutting diary 2/16/17
I'm finding myself rather speechless after today. After I had so many words for my sister-in-law, after discussing it with my mom, with my birth mom, with my friends... I don't even know what else to say. And my readers here (which mostly consist of the friends who already know the dirty of it) I … Continue reading Not So Speechless
Comment if you read the whole thing, I'm curious No, seriously, they had so many board games and card games and puzzles and paper activities... but without the fun. My title is a lie. But I hope you sang it in the tune to "Welcome to the Jungle" because that song is stuck in my … Continue reading Welcome to the Asylum, We’ve got fun and games
God Help Me. Tw. Blood and cutting bellow. I like to think Jesus rather I cut than smoke. I mean, according to the Bible I'm already devaluing my body with tattoos and piercings. I cut to have control. I think God knows it's either this or I kill myself. But God, wouldn't it be better … Continue reading And for the first time my right arm becomes useful…as I sin with it. I want to cut it off. But instead I thank God for all the wrong I do.
Good news! I know, I'm so bleak all of the time but I have good news. My Effexor which I am sure is the villain behind my bout of depression this time, is being stepped down on request of the other psych in my psych's office. So Hopefully my psych agrees that I should stop … Continue reading Update, dreaming in an awake world
Aunna and Blake are shouting at each other. All I asked was for Blake to take a bath. He said no. Aunna yelled at him for not listening to me. I'm hiding in bed through all the yelling. It all reminds me of my dad yelling at me. At my brothers. My self is reminding … Continue reading Take a deep breath…
Do you know what a Sin-Eater is? I first heard, well, read the term in Amanda Palmer's book the Art of Asking and started seeing my therapists as Sin-Eaters. They take my sorrows and my sins and they release them out, if I let them. Many sessions I still carry those woes on my shoulders … Continue reading Sin-Eater
My dreams have been weird lately. Not the usual violent re-imaginings of what he did or strange dreams that I forget once I opened my eyes. But these dreams these past few days I remember well into the day and hold onto because I want to know what they mean. They start in my old … Continue reading Why Did I Turn To You?: An exploration of my recent dreams and past relationship