I hurt myself today Cutting diary 12/4/16

Self Harm – “Nonsuicidal selfinjury, often simply called selfinjury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of selfinjury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger and frustration.”

It’s more than that. Self harm is any act that hurts you. Physically. Emotionally. Relationship wise. 

Sex can be self harm.

I’m gay but not one of those “gold star lesbians” (oh gods I hate that term) but I would have sex with men for money. I’m just using my body as a tool. Tonight I used it as a tool to get back my Star Wars dvds from a “friend”.

Simply asking him to hang out didn’t work so I told him I was horny (which I wasn’t) and faked orgasming with him. But hey I got my dvds back. 

I hate myself

Tonight I picked on Aunna, my wife, trying to get her to play. I hurt her. I pinched and pulled and scratched until she hit me. And hit me. Hit me until I laughed and laughed. 

Finally I was punished. 

I still want to hurt myself. I still want to die. I would love to not wake up. 

I would love to sneak off, find the key to the medicine cabnit and down a whole lot of pills but I can’t because everyone is sick of my shit. I need to pretend to be okay. 

I’m not okay. Not at all. 


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