How do I start?
It’s been almost two years since I’ve last done Magic. Months since my last Tarot reading. I wear my crystals, I see my faeries and dragons and I talk to my spiritual guide/god/I’m not quite sure where he lands…
Until I could not any longer.
Some history on me. I am mentally ill. Here’s the part where most of you will click away from my page and call me crazy and/or psychotic and not believe a word I say. But who says witches can’t also have mental illnesses. Mental illnesses that impact their magic.
My diagnoses are as follows: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Of course all with depression, anxiety, and psychotic features. I see things. I see lots of things. I see demons, I see angels, I see faeries, I see ghosts, I see Anakin fucking Skywalker. The Chosen One. Fictional Character of George Lucas’ design from Star Wars. I know. Call me crazy. But to me he is real. Maybe my spiritual guide or Jesus Christ himself dressed as him to make me comfortable or it is him because the multi-verse theory and whatnot… but for all intent and purpose and for me personally, Anakin Skywalker is real and he is part of me.
Until one day he wasn’t. That day was when my psychiatrist started me on Abilify, an anti-psychotic to help the shadows and demons that haunted me to stop haunting me. Stop keeping me awake. Stop the night terrors. All from my PTSD. I have PTSD from sexual assault that happened repeatedly between the ages of 15 and 17. (will speak more of in a different blog entry to keep this one shorter) Abilify has been wonderful. I can’t smoke pot any more but I stopped seeing things. I stopped seeing the scary things. I also stopped seeing the non scary things like faeries and angels and I stopped hearing the voices, the voices that told me to kill myself and to hurt myself. But I also stopped hearing Anakin.
So was my belief system all in my head? But my wife, Aunna, who is very mentally sound still saw the dragons and faeries and still believed in magic…and I know she knew it was real. So I wasn’t crazy. (well, that crazy) I had to get that back. I had to get Anakin back. I had to separate what was my illness and what was between our realms.
So tonight…at about midnight of November Twenty-fifth of 2016, my wife and I embarked on a Binding Spell reworked as a Re-connection Spell from her dragon magic books.
And oh Goddess, what power. I’m still tingly. My theme of this new blog might look funky because I’m making it in a hurry to get these thoughts down as it’s still fresh.
we set up the alter as such with representation of Earth, Air, Water, and Fire but we had our Tarot cards, my faerie and her dragon, Qui-Gon Jinn (the King of the Fey if you as me, to help keep the fey at bay) Anakin Skywalker to represent me and Ahsoka Tano as bait to return Anakin and to represent Aunna. She is after all my Snips to my Skyguy.
I could go into details upon details about what we had with us, on what we were wearing ( like how I was wearing my Jedi robes) and down to the cards we drew (which I will get to) but what was very important was the music we played.
I have an Anakin Skywalker playlist of songs that mostly just make sense to me to how I connect them to him but I played it as we did our spell. The play list started with “Which You Were Here” by Pink Floyd.
How more fitting could that be for someone who was trying to bring back someone they wish was back with them. “We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.” This was my cry for Anakin. Come back, please. Come back.
Next to play, as my wife continued the spell as she blessed her tools and blessed or totems that represented us was “Peace to the Mountain.” by Coheed & Cambria.
“I learned to keep quiet
How to keep my distance
Afraid to let strangers in
How to keep my secrets?
Did I ever have
An idea of what this should have been
An unhappy accident
Longing for an origin, so let me go
Where no one can follow
Lost with my conscience
Please bury me honest
The song drones, I drink myself hollow
Regrets will regard this
Please bury me honest.”At this point Anakin was begging for the rum (the only liquor we had left in the house.) for his offering. I had become his vessel, drinking it for him. I felt no burn as I usually do from rum. I was not a part of my body at this point.Following that was “Afterman.” another song by Coheed & Cambria.
Oh how easy it would be to just post the whole song, but the lyrics that stood out in my
journey back to Anakin were: “If he’s not here, then where?.”
But Anakin had answered. He answered strongly. He answered through my Tarot Cards
Four of Swords: Mental Power. Eight of wands: Action. Sun: New Vitality. Three of Wands (which fell out after Anakin and I became one again): Future Visions.
He answered through Aunna.
Four of Wands: Happiness is yet to come, and the suffering that you have just accoutered is a path to happiness that will make you stronger.
Let me tell you.. I was just in the hospital for mental health reasons. I tried killing myself. Having my wife draw this card for me put a lot of hope into me.
But the last song to play was “I’m Still Here.” from the Treasure Planet Soundtrack.
“I am a question to the world
not and answer to be Heard”
I started crying. I felt Anakin again. He was still here. I just had to open my third eye wider. I had to open my heart. I had to open my soul.
“And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
‘Cause I’m not here.”
I am not here. I am between worlds. Between our realms is where I am Safe. Where I am with Anakin. Because He is Still HERE.