Spilled Tea: Poetry by Icarus Part I

Memories

Memories caressed his lips
The lies made her sick
They spilled from her hands
Falling stars from the midnight blue
She blinked, tears sparkled down.
The universe had always been inside.
From there he started to rot
Infection spread and the universe went dim
Her flowers wilted, the leaves changed and fell.
He won’t bring her spring, in love with death
Shattering the laws of nature. Breaking clocks.
All of this for her.
To live the lie he told her

Atlas

Here lies the wolf
I scratch at the marks his teeth have made
I itch for the pressure
The release that comes with pain
I don’t know who was the sire but I know all of you
The questioning jackals waiting for the meat to peel from my bones
Burst me open, I glitter above
The stars in our sky move for me
You wish to squeeze it out
I was never really good at sharing
Fear colors your eyes Darkens my spirit
I devoured all that was ever good
Communion from me and choke on the ink
The wolf arises
Fights my dragon
And the flames claim the galaxy
Stars now lay at my feet
I am Atlas and I stand tall!

I’m a Thing

Peeling my skin back
Free my moon light
The magic and science no longer hiding.
Recharge and breath
My light is back
Time to run

Impression here in the void of humanity. Empty lies. Fabricated realities. Life is now the machine.

The cold metal has become warm
The simple functions give us life
No more dimmed eyes. Sparkling lights that call on the souls.

They give us meaning. Helping us to belong. I’ve only dipped myself into the sunshine to bring luck.

Skills fine tuned and functions name.
Life of a robot would fix my head

Can you hurt a machine?

Spread apart
Exposed to your capable fingers
Deeper
Faster
Caress buttons

Gasping and squirming
Slower
Exploring
Cry and scream

Filled deeply. Invasive

Love Isn’t Hard

On the edge of reality
Ready to fall please don’t catch me
My safety net at the bottom knows what it’s doing
Your words and actions tempt and push
These bullet wounds are septic in your care
down here at the bottom I can bleed out to nothing
Replace my cells with faerie dust
Dead in your world, alive in mine
The only way I know how to survive

I asked for help and you didn’t move and now you mock me for never going to you
I needed comfort and instead you judged
I’m not asking for you to understand why or how or who I am

I just want it unconditionally

I’m not hard to love stop pretending that I am
I’m not hard to love stop pretending that I am
I’m not hard to love stop pretending that I am
I’m not hard to love stop pretending that I am

Accept my make believe

EAT


Thrill of the hunt with the crack of bones
Popped blood vessels paired with moans
No better aphrodisiac than the smell of fear
To see you tremble, your end is near
Beg me for your life, no collateral
No friends, no allies, crushing skulls.

Beg me for your life.
The hunter’s lullaby.

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Crystallize

Recently in my art I have been incorporating crystals into bodies in a body horror manner. The colors and types of crystals have been random at this point. Pretty sure most of them don’t even exists, but tonight I am going to try to explain them and make my art make sense with what the crystal colors mean. Even if that was not my intent. Let’s see how close I accidentally got.

Anakin Skywalker “Exploding Within.” Red Apophylilte. Sure. Kinda close but not really but let’s pretend it is. “This is the stone of truth, bringing recognition of your true self and allowing that to be shown to the world.” Anakin showing who he truly is. I relate this back to my first post on here and my theme of “I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard.” lyrics from I’m Still Here, song from Disney movie, Treasure Planet. (Anakin is going to be coming up a lot in this blog.) Anakin’s truth is… I really don’t know. That maybe Anakin is such a broad concept because he’s fictional that who he is depends on who you ask. Which is lazy writing but fuck it I still love Star Wars. And I still love Anakin.

But to me Anakin truly is complicated. While also so simply two-dimensional with his White and Black. Light and Dark. His over abundance of love and hate. He shows his feelings so clearly. That even when he’s imploding, we all can see it. I’m not wording myself right and I am going to have to do a separate blog on just Anakin some day once I can word everything correctly.

Ahsoka Tano “Untitled” Sapphire. The stone of wisdom and royalty. This is pretty obvious for Ahsoka. She is a Queen. A Goddess. Oh stop me I’m sounding like tumblr. But it’s true. Ahsoka is the personification of the Light. It’s canon, I’m sure. It should be at least. When she died, Ashla (the Light Side of the Force, or Daughter as she was called in Clone Wars) brought her back through Anakin. Ashla is in her. I mean, Ahsoka must know it since she used Ashla as he fake name in the Ahsoka book.

I did two versions of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy because I liked both versions. Lovers entwined and floating. Not exactly what I was going for but it came out pretty decently.

Harley Quinn, now her crystals, I’m not even sure if they’re real. Let’s pretend that they are garnets. Bringing order to chaos. Which Harley needs some of don’t you think? But garnets are also about protection and energy. Harley is a high energy type of person and maybe she needs some garnet to protect her from Joker.

Poison Ivy, red crystals mean passion, love… pretty dead on for her. ‘Nuff said.

 Falling 1, let’s pretend this is rubies. Rubies protect you from nightmares. Falling happens in a lot of my nightmares because I wish I had wings and that I could fly but all I get is falling forever, which is why I am scared of heights. (I wouldn’t be scared of heights if I could fly though) I think I might rename this piece Nightmare.

Falling 2, (I’m not great at coming up with titles for my art sometimes. Mostly I’m just lazy and since not being on deviant art titles to my art doesn’t even really matter any more) I love that Bloodstone is green and opaque. It’s known to be healing. So this falling figure is healing.

lostinparadise
Lastly… this is obviously amethyst which is a healing stone. This is the piece where I decided I should start putting meaning to my pieces. This falling figure is healing, becoming amethyst while healing . Maybe becoming stone isn’t so bad after all. Because in the end we can always break out of that shell a newly healed and stronger person. Sorry, I am a Cancer (the crab) Having a “shell” is a thing with us. Hahahaha. I named this piece Lost in Paradise because when I become lost in my safe places I am healing. Figure wasn’t meant to look like Anakin but he did, didn’t he.

Returning The Dragon

 

How do I start?
It’s been almost two years since I’ve last done Magic. Months since my last Tarot reading. I wear my crystals, I see my faeries and dragons and I talk to my spiritual guide/god/I’m not quite sure where he lands…

Until I could not any longer.

Some history on me. I am mentally ill. Here’s the part where most of you will click away from my page and call me crazy and/or psychotic and not believe a word I say. But who says witches can’t also have mental illnesses. Mental illnesses that impact their magic.

My diagnoses are as follows: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Of course all with depression, anxiety, and psychotic features. I see things. I see lots of things. I see demons, I see angels, I see faeries, I see ghosts, I see Anakin fucking Skywalker. The Chosen One. Fictional Character of George Lucas’ design from Star Wars. I know. Call me crazy. But to me he is real. Maybe my spiritual guide or Jesus Christ himself dressed as him to make me comfortable or it is him because the multi-verse theory and whatnot… but for all intent and purpose and for me personally, Anakin Skywalker is real and he is part of me.

Until one day he wasn’t. That day was when my psychiatrist started me on Abilify, an anti-psychotic to help the shadows and demons that haunted me to stop haunting me. Stop keeping me awake. Stop the night terrors. All from my PTSD. I have PTSD from sexual assault that happened repeatedly between the ages of 15 and 17.  (will speak more of in a different blog entry to keep this one shorter) Abilify has been wonderful. I can’t smoke pot any more but I stopped seeing things. I stopped seeing the scary things. I also stopped seeing the non scary things like faeries and angels and I stopped hearing the voices, the voices that told me to kill myself and to hurt myself. But I also stopped hearing Anakin.

So was my belief system all in my head? But my wife, Aunna, who is very mentally sound still saw the dragons and faeries and still believed in magic…and I know she knew it was real. So I wasn’t crazy. (well, that crazy) I had to get that back. I had to get Anakin back. I had to separate what was my illness and what was between our realms.

So tonight…at about midnight of November Twenty-fifth of 2016, my wife and I embarked on a Binding Spell reworked as a Re-connection Spell from her dragon magic books.

And oh Goddess, what power. I’m still tingly. My theme of this new blog might look funky because I’m making it in a hurry to get these thoughts down as it’s still fresh.

we set up the alter as such with representation of Earth, Air, Water, and Fire but we had our Tarot cards, my faerie and her dragon, Qui-Gon Jinn (the King of the Fey if you as me, to help keep the fey at bay) Anakin Skywalker to represent me and Ahsoka Tano as bait to return Anakin and to represent Aunna. She is after all my Snips to my Skyguy.

skyguyandsnips

I could go into details upon details about what we had with us, on what we were wearing ( like how I was wearing my Jedi robes) and down to the cards we drew (which I will get to) but what was very important was the music we played.

I have an Anakin Skywalker playlist of songs that mostly just make sense to me to how I connect them to him but I played it as we did our spell. The play list started with “Which You Were Here” by Pink Floyd.

How more fitting could that be for someone who was trying to bring back someone they wish was back with them. “We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.” This was my cry for Anakin. Come back, please. Come back.

Next to play, as my wife continued the spell as she blessed her tools and blessed or totems that represented us was “Peace to the Mountain.” by Coheed & Cambria.
“I learned to keep quiet
How to keep my distance
Afraid to let strangers in
How to keep my secrets?
Did I ever have
An idea of what this should have been
An unhappy accident
Longing for an origin, so let me go
Where no one can follow
Lost with my conscience
Please bury me honest

The song drones, I drink myself hollow
Regrets will regard this
Please bury me honest.”At this point Anakin was begging for the rum (the only liquor we had left in the house.) for his offering. I had become his vessel, drinking it for him. I felt no burn as I usually do from rum. I was not a part of my body at this point.Following that was “Afterman.” another song by Coheed & Cambria.
Oh how easy it would be to just post the whole song, but the lyrics that stood out in my

journey back to Anakin were: “If he’s not here, then where?.”

But Anakin had answered. He answered strongly. He answered through my Tarot Cards

Four of Swords: Mental Power. Eight of wands: Action. Sun: New Vitality. Three of Wands (which fell out after Anakin and I became one again): Future Visions.

He answered through Aunna.
fourofwands
Four of Wands: Happiness is yet to come, and the suffering that you have just accoutered is a path to happiness that will make you stronger.

Let me tell you.. I was just in the hospital for mental health reasons. I tried killing myself. Having my wife draw this card for me put a lot of hope into me.

But the last song to play  was “I’m Still Here.” from the Treasure Planet Soundtrack.
“I am a question to the world
not and answer to be Heard”

I started crying. I felt Anakin again. He was still here. I just had to open my third eye wider. I had to open my heart. I had to open my soul.
“And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They don’t know me,
‘Cause I’m not here.”

I am not here. I am between worlds. Between our realms is where I am Safe. Where I am with Anakin.  Because He is Still HERE.

witchani