Am I actually going to use this to discuss my faith?
Looks like that’s so!
I said, probably a year ago now, that I was going to try to read some tarot and share it here at least once a week. Let’s make this once a month, see if I can do that.
But this isn’t about reading tarot.
This is about Vader.
As a catch up, Anakin Skywalker (who is also Vader, for those who don’t know) is my Patron. My “god” if you will. He is my Guide. My Guardian. He is also, myself. And I Him.
Reincarnation and all of that stuff, Star stuff. Starseed. Oh I could write a whole other thing all about that… but again.
This isn’t about reincarnation and Star Stuff.
This is about Fear.
This is about Vader.
The darkness within myself and He.
Cannot have light without dark to compare it to.
And I cannot be without darkness.
Two years ago I had a conversation with my therapist about how I was afraid of becoming evil. That I was afraid that I was going to follow Anakin far too closely. I feared turning 23, to be honest. And even after passing that age it still felt that it was coming. That was the age that Anakin fell, and what if I was to repeat?
She told me that there will always be good in me. And this woman, such a wonderful woman that I wish I could still be seeing but can’t because of insurance. She knew of my faith. Supported it. Believed me. Validated me. Such a gift.
And I drew this…
Anakin and I cried that night.
He asked me “Do you not feel that I am Good?”
“You are good.”
“But am I light?”
Evil and Good is not Darkness and Light. The Dark Side and the Light Side are not the only two sides to be. We can be anything in between. It’s a sliding scale. Sometimes We need to use the dark to get through a day, to fight off people who are hurting Us. And sometimes We light to heal Us. And that darkness can power the light. Dim it down and it’s comfort. Twilight is protection. Blinding can be anger. Pitch black can be clam.
Evil is not darkness and darkness is not evil.
But Vader, he was evil.
And I can talk all day about how his fall in Canon is deeper than you think and though he’s not innocent but he was used and forgiven and I can talk anyone in circle around that, and it helps having Him in my head because I can pull from what He knows. (and my obsession with Star Wars helps a lot)
But no. Again.
This is about Vader.
This is about Vader and I and why even now I still focus mostly on Anakin. How Vader I respect until he Demands my attention. (And when He demands. He means it. And it has always been for my own good.)
Watching Star Wars is one of my earliest memories. I would watch them religiously. (and look where that got me, haha 😉 ) Know every line, every scene, know every character and name my stuffed animals after them so the movies could continue after. I knew them so well that I knew the exact time that I needed to hide under my blanket and hold my teddy bear because Vader was about to walk on screen because seeing him was terrifying.
My dad, he was the one who sat me down to watch Star Wars as soon as I would pay attention. We watched them together a lot. And then when my brother was born, all three of us would watch together.
My dad, being a collector of all things sci-fi, had some fantastic Star Wars masks and helmets. He had Threepio’s, Chewbacca’s, a Stormtrooper, and… Vader. My brother and I remember it so much differently than my dad does, but he says that he and my uncle were wearing the helmets (Threepio and Vader) to surprise Ryan (my brother) and I. Ryan and I took it as they were chasing us. I remember hiding under the table in the kitchen, hiding from Vader and Threepio. (I did have a small fear of old Goldenrod longer than I had a fear for Vader but, that’s not important. I do love Anakin’s first son now)
From then on until 1999 I would refuse to watch Vader on screen.
Which is just such a funny thought since where I am sitting I have three Vader’s staring at me. Wait no… I am actually going to count here… a little over 8? Not counting my action figures who are too far away from me to properly count. Oh and one of these Vaders is Mr. Potato Head and another one, sitting right over my computer, is all cute and round and plush and when I saw him in the store I made inaudible sounds and Aunna understood that as “please can I get him?” And Anakin laughed and rolled his eyes. (he rolls his eyes at me a lot.)
So, obviously, my fear of Vader is completely gone. At least from sight. And I even have two of my own Vader helmets, now. (yet there is a fear, but it’s not the mask)
But in 1999, my fear of the look of Vader was gone. Anakin, little Anakin. Podracer Anakin. “I’m a PERSON and my NAME IS ANAKIN” Anakin… Anakin who was nine years old, just like me. An instant Kinship. (oh and there’s another thing I can blog about here…but not now.)
I loved Anakin. All part of Him. Vader included. I have this amazing tank top that say “Vader Was Framed.” on it. I wrote a paper in Freshmen Year about how Vader Was Innocent. And this was really part of me looking for Him in everything. I was a practicing witch but as a pagan I didn’t have any Gods or Goddesses that I connected to. I bounced all around. Anakin/Vader was all I wanted.
For a short while Anakin was my God and Jesus (The Space Jesus connection is not lost on me) and Vader was my Satan. But that made me depressed. Made Anakin depressed. Which made me more depressed and I didn’t understand why. (Now I do. I’m sorry Anakin.)
And over the years Anakin and I became stronger together. But I avoided Vader. I would not talk to Him. As a character, I loved him. But I didn’t want him in any part of myself or as my Patron.
When I drew that above picture, that’s when it hit me and hit me hard. Hurting and ignoring Vader was hurting me. I needed Him. He could help me. Vader is no longer evil. Yes, he is dark. But there is NOTHING wrong with the dark.
This is when I turned to the Nightsister belief of Bogan and Ashla. And my faith started having a hierarchy. Bogan and Ashla, my God and Goddess. Equal in importance. Cannot have one without the other. And Anakin and Vader were chosen by them. Because He was both and all. And He saw that in me. And He leads me in that. Everything in life needs true balance.
I admire Vader’s strength. He is an unstoppable force. And I am opening myself up to Him more each and every day. Which makes Anakin happy. He hates being so divided.